I never liked soap operas. Not only is the acting terrible, I find myself in a state of constant anxiety, waiting for the actors to mess up. Also, since I don’t know any of the plot lines or characters and the stories are years (sometimes decades) old, I figure that even if I wanted to start watching one, that ship has long since sailed.
I was looking for The Weather Channel earlier today when I stumbled upon a soap opera. I don’t know which one it was but I can tell you it had an actress with long red hair. She was talking to an actor who looked like Alec Baldwin and sounded like Joe Pesci. His character’s name was Angelo.
Redhead: What have you heard, Angelo? My father wouldn’t hurt Patch, would he? Angelo: (Looking nervous) Not as far as I know.
Redhead: Are you sure? I know he thinks it’s all Patch’s fault. You would tell me if you knew anything, right?
Angelo: (Pause) Sure.(Longer pause, as he looks furtively about) Sure I would.
Redhead: I knew I could count on you. Want to grab something to eat?
Whoa! This was something a child raised by wolves could follow. I had only been watching for forty-five seconds, but I could tell you for certain that Angelo is lying, Patch is in big trouble, and the redhead suffers from both an inability to read people and a pathetically limited attention span. Cut to the next scene, in a dark alley. A shadowy figure hides behind a barrel, aiming a rifle. The music builds ominously as a man saunters in. Slowly, the man turns to face the camera.
He wears a patch over his left eye.
Off-camera, we hear the redhead scream: “Patch!”
In this moment, I realized I was not giving feral children nearly enough credit.
